He said that Florida’s decision to stop vaccine mandates would affect not just schoolchildren but also “America’s most vulnerable population: Disney adults.”
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‘You Have Died of Florida’
Florida’s surgeon general announced yesterday that the state would no longer require vaccines for schoolchildren.
“Right now, Florida mandates that students have to be vaxxed against polio, diphtheria, measles, rubella, pertussis, mumps and tetanus — also known as diseases that should only come up in ‘Oregon Trail,’” Stephen Colbert said on Thursday.
“Although they have now updated that video game so the most common message is ‘You have died of Florida.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“This is taking our country so far backwards, because, keep in mind, U.S. school vaccination laws have been around since the 1850s, when they were put in place to prevent smallpox. and they worked. You know how I know? ’Cause I didn’t die of smallpox — yet.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“It’s not just kids. This will also impact America’s most vulnerable population: Disney adults.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“The way Governor DeSantis sees it, why should Florida’s old people be the only ones allowed to die?” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“That’s right, the state where we all send all of our grandparents is eliminating vaccines, so enjoy your Golden Weeks!” — SETH MEYERS
“Everything they do in Florida is weird and contagious. We need to create some kind of a barrier to contain the virus, something we could slip over the tip of the state.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
The Punchiest Punchlines (Cracker Barrel Edition)
“President Trump posted a video on Truth Social that shows himself shaking hands with the man in the Cracker Barrel logo. Yeah, you heard that right: President.” — SETH MEYERS
“And for whatever reason, the MAGA mouth breathers were madder than, like — I don’t know, they were madder than when the lady Ghostbusters showed up.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Come on, Cracker Barrel is the Amish Applebee’s. It’s Apple B-minus. It’s barely a restaurant — it’s a restaurant that sells yo-yos made of wood.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Even cosplay grits gobbler New York prep-school nepo baby Don Jr. whined, ‘WTF is wrong with Cracker Barrel?’ As if he’s ever been to a Cracker Barrel.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“White men are being erased from American logos. It’s Caucasian-icon genocide. I mean, you go to the store, all the white men are gone from the logos — except for Mr. Clean, Mr. Pringle, Colonel Sanders, the Oats Quaker, the Pittsburgh Pirate, Chef Boyardee, the Brawny paper-towel man, the Gerber Baby, the Keebler elves, the N.B.A. logo. Think about that one for a second. I mean, really: The logo for the N.B.A. is a white guy named Jerry.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
The Bits Worth Watching
In honor of Thursday’s first N.F.L. game of the season, Jimmy Fallon handed out “Tonight Show” superlatives to members of the Philadelphia Eagles and the Dallas Cowboys.
